We came to the mutual agreement that she would marry her ex boyfriend. Brett Goldstein (2013), My mother told me, you dont have to put anything in your mouth you dont want to. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes It ended in a tie! Gary Delaney Live at the Apollo ArseRaptor 141K subscribers Subscribe 3.4K 480K views 4 years ago Are you feeling in a giving mood? Between us, something smells! You win the gold, you feel good. I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. . 51 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. This is Comedy Club Classics 2014-2017. Its a Saturday.Dominic Frisby (2016), Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, Theres a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of himCarey Marx (2008), Miley Cyrus. Contact lenses.Zoe Lyons, Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe) Never Explain! Sorry, thats my motto. Chris Turner, I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. Wouldnt it just be easier to talk to a woman? Stephen Brown (2008), If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, youre just late. Joel Dommett(2014), I cant exercise for long periods. Youll progress.. In response, the BBC reiterated that Mock the Week contains irreverent humour and that the comment was obviously tongue-in-cheek. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. Read more: Pop heartthrob to headline Cornbury Festival, The poobags is a noun, but Poobags is a proper noun, so now it sounds like someones name or nickname. Why are ghosts bad liars? I spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a mans arm. Facebook: thebiographyscoop Gary Delaney (born 16 April 1973) is an English writer and stand-up comedian. After that, he went downhill fast. Hence it became this joke: I went round Granddads to walk his dog. How to describe the new Martin Luther King statue? I love Alan Davies, but my aversion to comedian books meant that although it came out in 2020, I didn't read it till early this year. No one lost ahead of you! Jerry Seinfeld, We werent very religious. The stand-ups I admire the most are all gag-men, people who could write a really good short funny joke, he says. Riveting! Stewart Francis (2012), Im learning the hokey cokey. 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners I owe so much money to my herb seller that hes threatened to send round the bay leafs. So how does it feel to be so popular? You either love them or you keep them at the back of the cupboard next to the piccalilli. Abi Roberts (2016), You just know Chilcot was up until 4am, downing Red Bulls and trying to crank out the last 800,000 words. Alex Kealy (2016), Yo Mammas so fat that other people have to pay for the health consequences of this via general taxation, even though its her responsibility. Dominic Frisby (2016), Jokes about white sugar are rare. On a snow day, news is weather is travel. Michael McIntyre, Heres a picture of me with REM. Talking casually gives you more leeway for jokes. As a subscriber, you are shown 80% less display advertising when reading our articles. I failed math so many times at school,. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.Sarah Millican (2011), Red sky at night: shepherds delight. I was in a fancy lingerie shop and I said are these knickers satin, they said no theyre new. 405 - Olaf Falafel Get yourself in the mood for the worlds largest comedy festival returning with these priceless jokes and one-liners that failed to win the coveted crown. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. So we stopped playing chess.Matt Kirshen (2011), 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners, 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke, 100 of the funniest short jokes and one-liners, 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh, 100 of the best bad jokes that will make you cringe, 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding, The 50 Best Jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2017, I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Tom Ward (2015), I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never lure them into my car. Really watch comics whove just done better than you to the same audience. One time there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died. Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more videos - http://bit.ly/2vBzt2f Ticket for all shows - www.hotwatercomedy.co.uk | By LIVE at Hot Water Comedy Club | Facebook Log In Forgot Account? 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes But my husband wouldnt let me. RiaLina (2014), One thing youll never hear a Hindu say Ah well, you only live once.Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014), My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. New tour Gary in Punderland on sale, new dates added. Yup, his visa expired.Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop(2014), I think jokes about learning difficulties are OK so long as theyre clever is like saying I think jokes about blind people are OK so long as theyre visual Brendon Burns (2013), I just bought underwater headphones and its made me loads faster. Her choice. SHARE. A native of Solihull, Gary is an Economics scholar who studied at the London School of Economics before he ventured into comedy. I used to be into ham radio, but all I could hear was crackling. All Edit Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club (2019 Video) Quotes It looks like we don't have any Quotes for this title yet. Gary Delaney Biography. But some of us are short. Lou Sanders (2018), Someone stole my antidepressants. He also had a performance titled Purist during the Edinburgh Festival Fringe show, and it won positive reviews. This vinegars got lumps in it. What do you call an alligator in a vest? My French pen friend just said Le Monde, which means the world to me. Emo Philips, Steven Wright, Milton Jones, Mitch Hedberg, Max Miller, Ken Dodd, Henny Youngman, Bob Monkhouse and Rodney Dangerfield. A skeleton walks into a bar. Its been 11 years since Dave launched the Funniest Joke of the Fringe award, and there have been some worthy winners over the years. I dont want to do itPhil Wang, I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the ArkAdam Hess, I went to a Pretenders gig. Gary Delaney is a stand-up comedian and writer from the United Kingdom. There have, however, been some unlucky losers. How dairy. Some of his jokes were not received well, particularly one where he said that people from Jersey were trying to shake off their tax avoidance tag and get back to their traditional reputation as Nazi sympathisers. This did not sit well with the residents of Jersey. 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. We couldnt afford a dog. Gary Delaney, Two fish in a tank. I think the hardest part of making skimmed milk must be throwing the cows across the lake. Um, well How to use the cold weather payment postcode checker, and when the 25 is paid, Robert Jenrick backs calls to strip serial rapist David Carrick of his Met Police pension, Warning freezing temperatures could be 'deadly' as conditions from asthma to dehydration worsen, We can praise Maya Jama without insulting Laura Whitmore, Why top BBC stars like Ken Bruce are quitting for rival media companies, Jacob Rees-Mogg's bonfire of EU laws is a vanity project that even Brexiteers want rid of, NHS workers will keep striking for months as ministers set to ignore pay talks until April, Ken Bruce promises golden oldies at Greatest Hits Radio after row over Radio 2 axing classics, Nursing chief apologises for strikes but says 'we are desperately trying to save the NHS', How to listen to Greatest Hits Radio on FM and DAB, and when Ken Bruce starts, Do not sell or share my personal information. Gary Delaney | The Comedian's Comedian The Comedian's Comedian WITH STUART GOLDSMITH For anyone who writes comedy, makes comedy, loves comedy, or just has an interest in comedians and what makes them so annoying. It was a shitzu. Tickets are on sale now. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Police arrested two kids yesterday. Im a lot more sporty than I look, in fact I picked up a little niggle at the gym the other day, I mean he pronounces it Nigel. I thought it was quite a clever title, but quite a few times Ive turned up at venues and seen that my posters have been have graffitied to say Ginsters Paradise instead. Data returned from the Piano 'meterActive/meterExpired' callback event. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal. Paul F Taylor, This show is about perception and perspective. I keep about one in 20 of the jokes I write, so I have to write and test over 4,000 to make a new tour show.. I hear an everyday phrase and think I could muck about with that. Tories fear 'lurch to the right' after election defeat, with Badenoch among favourites to lead, 'We have a trauma bond': Life after The Traitors. Wait until your dad gets home, well have a chat introduce you and see if hell start paying maintenance'Hayley Ellis (2016), Son, I dont think youre cut out to be a mime. 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes If you're hunting for snark, Gary's got it covered! Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Ive got a friend whos fallen in love with two school bags. 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling Age One Liners. Where do cows go for entertainment? I hardly ever visit Syria. Alex Horne(2014), Life is like a box of chocolates. Four fonts walk into a bar. Now, for the first time, comes the first collection of his finest jokes. billed as a blockbuster simply because of the amount of one-liners in just a few minutes. Doomed to fail, How to listen to Greatest Hits Radio on FM and DAB, and when Ken Bruce starts, Where the mid-morning show host is going next and what he's said, How to get Madonna's London O2 tickets and full list of tour dates and venues, 'We know less about the things around us than ever before': Pico Iyer on five decades of travel, On TV tonight, cutting-edge operations in Surgeons: At the Edge of Life, Do not sell or share my personal information. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes Gary Delaney Giving, Causes, Shock 12 Copy quote As a kid I was made to walk the plank. If you eat one apple a day for 80 years, you won't die young. Site by Chook, Pundamentalist: 1,000 jokes you probably haven't heard before. She was a vegan and refused to touch me. Daniel Audritt (2018), What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens? Flo and Joan (2018), I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. Trending. Ive just bought Spider-Man pyjamas. COLLABRO RETURNS TO LONDON WITH A BRAND-NEW CONCERT TOUR THIS CHRISTMAS! Ill give you an example. This one's all about . Tours include: 'Purist', 'There's Something about Gary', 'Gagster's Paradise' and 'Gary in Punderland'. My observational comedy improved.Sara Pascoe (2014), You know youre working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.Rob Beckett (2012), Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. Gary Delaney With 23 One Liners! contact the editor here. I bought my nephew a caterpillar cake without checking the best before date, so now hes got a butterfly cake. 5 things to know about Dancehall legend Beenie Man when he performs in London this September, 5 things about where to spend the heatwave in London: Shaved Ice Gin Pop Up Bar in Belgravia, ROKU X Pantechnicon, 5 things about the The Bobby Moore Fund London Celebrity Sports Quiz. 40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit Add a photoor add a quote. United Kingdom garydelaney.com Joined March 2009 2021 Twitter About Help Center Terms Privacy policy Cookies Ads info Gary Delaney @GaryDelaney Follow @GaryDelaney If you do gags, you live and die by their quality, so you have to make them good. 28th March 2019. Something bad is about to happen I can feel it. She was livid, what am I going to do with two dead dogs?. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? The high quantity of stand out gags leaves the audience struggling to remember them all. Well if thats true, what do you think smoking cannabis does? Mickey P Kerr, How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?. Its not my fault, its a condition. Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? Put the funny bit at the end of your jokes and minimise the gaps between funny bits. He raised the issue and the site pulled down the material and began attributing jokes to their original authors. Youve got to when you hit them.Emo Philips, As a kid I was made to walk the plank. Because hes Tudor.Adele Cliff, Dont you hate it when people assume youre rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?Annie McGrath, If youre being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep! Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if youve put on weight. Live theres no safety net. I met this gangster who pulls up the back of peoples pants. 25 of Spike Milligans greatest gags Sorry, something's gone wrong. We couldn't afford a dog. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer. Richard Lewis, My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Theres just you and an audience and no editor to cut out the bits that dont work. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners He had performances in such places as Shepherds Bush Empire in London and Manchester University. I said, One minute Im on the phone. Instagram: biographyscoop. One says: How do you drive this thing? The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. You know when she was born? A star of Mock The Week, Live at The Apollo and Celebrity Pointless he has also written for 8 Out Of 10 Cats and 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, A League Of Their Own, The British Comedy Awards and The News Quiz. Youd always get some bloke complaining that he couldnt see the screen. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? I called this tour Gagsters Paradise because I wanted a title that let people know it had loads of jokes in, theres no story and no sad bits. But on the plus side only three more sleeps till Christmas. Robert Garnham (2017), Centaurs shop at Topman. Editors' Code of Practice. black stuff coming out of praying mantis; r404a refrigerant properties table; school of the spirit apostle joshua selman; it ends with us quiz answers by Gary Delaney (Hardcover) $75.99 - $123.99. I said, Yes, of course. His style of humour is one-liners involving puns. Hot Water Comedy All Stars is now on a UK tour coming to a city near you - linktr.ee/hotwatercomedyallstarsBecome a YouTube member to access all live streams and exclusive extra weekly podcast episodes at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCG1QXvv8CME3I6yts0IevTA/join YouTube members can now LIVE STREAM all of our regular Hot Water Comedy Club shows with over 10 stand up shows every single week streaming LIVE from the world famous Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. The barman says: Sorry, we dont serve food in here., A jumplead walks into a bar. Thanks for explaining the word many to me, it means a lot. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults And Bottomhorse. Dan Antopolski (2017), Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. Menu. 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Then I realised I dont have a a DVD player. that work? Olaf Falafel, Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.Jordan Brookes, If youre being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead. Olaf Falafel, I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. . Read more: Red, Red Wine to flow at Blenheim Palace as festival given a reggae twist. Things got a little tense. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. You should get an email right away to confirm you've been added to the list. So I bought 100 copies ofGoldfinger. Nick Hall (2015), Ive decided to stop masturbating, since then Ive not really felt myself. Tom Toal (2015), I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.Jonny Lennard(2014), My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday. That wasnt a nice postcard to receive.Joe Bor(2014), The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. Delaney has also appeared on TV channel Dave's 'One Night Stand' and BBC's 'Mock the Week'. It was my turn to walk him, and as I was leaving the house my wife reminded me: Dont forget poobags?. Famous in the comedy world for his perfectly formed jokes, how does he craft his gags? 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes. They charged one and let the other one off. Ive given up making innuendos for Lent, but its getting really hard now and Im not sure if I can pull it off. Thats how small my penis is. Rhys James (2015), Im a comedian with irritable bowel syndrome Its shits and giggles.Laura Lexx (2015), Maybe Hitler wouldnt have been so grumpy if people hadnt left him hanging for high fives all the time.Rhys James (2015), Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my doors always open.Paul F. Taylor (2016), If you dont know what Morris dancing is, imagine eight guys from the KKK got lost, ended up at gay pride and just tried to style it out. Fin Taylor (2016), Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski (2009), I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning Are we then yet? ' Paddy Lennox, Im sure wherever my dad is; hes looking down on us. This site is part of Newsquest's audited local newspaper network. Jan 14 2023 Gary Delaney : Gary in Punderland Honestly its madness gone politically correct. . What a turtle disaster! By choice. I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.Gary Delaney, I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. What do you call a pig that knows karate? Joke book 'Pundamentalist' out too. Its not unusual, he replied. You can explore dirty minded lewd reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Edit, improve, tweak, experiment, keep what works. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. The barman says: Oi get out. Thats 20 cows' Jake Lambert, A thesaurus is great. Not all of it. 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes 3. ' Paul F. Taylor (2016), If you dont know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. Ian Smith (2015), Insomnia is awful. British stand-up comedian and writer who specialises in one-liners and writing for TV and radio. Say what you like about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table. In that case, give me a Kyle!. </p> <p>You have two parts of the brain, "left" and "right" in the left side, there's nothing right and in the right side, there's nothing left. The high quantity of stand out gags leaves the audience struggling to remember them all. One of Britain's leading one-liner comics returns to the road with another onslaught of lean, expertly crafted gaggery. Some of his memorable moments in comedy include when he went on a tour in the UK in 2003, in support of Jerry Sadowitz. Theres no other word for it Ross Smith, I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; Im really struggling to get out of it Adele Cliff, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners Gary Delaney returns to the road with another onslaught of lean, expertly crafted witticisms in his new tour, Gagster's Paradise. My grief councillor died recently but luckily he was so good I didnt care. Not all of it. An investigator! Body like a Greek statue completely pale, no arms. Phil Wang, If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been Its round. The bartender says, Whatll you have? The skeleton says, Gimme a beer and a mop., A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you. The grasshopper says, Really? I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses. Caroline Mabey (2017), Relationships are like mobile phones. Price: 18.00. The barman says: Ill serve you, but dont start anything.. My Uncles a lion tamer, when he went bankrupt they took nearly everything, but at least hes still got his pride. Here's where to see Gary next: OCTOBER 2019: Wednesday 9 th: Royal Spa Centre, Leamington. 100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes How do you know if theres an elephant under your bed? Twerking is what a Yorkshireman does to earn Twages. Review: Gary Delaney, Theatre Royal Winchester . 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners HP10 9TY. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes 6. His gags often appear on Funniest Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe lists; in fact he's the only comedian to ever. Enjoy reading!! A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. Youll look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on. Athena Kugblenu (2017), I had a job drilling holes for water it was well boring. Leo Kearse (2018), Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day. Adam Rowe (2018), I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners Their follow-up album, Blood, Sweat & Tears 3, also . Asking for a friend. Steve Bugeja (2016), I wanted to do a show about feminism. He is excellent at the One-Liner and we get a compilation of some r. 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes I was the only thing between H and JK. Simon Evans, Im entering the worlds tightest hat competition. His wife is a fellow stand-up comedian from England, Sarah Millican. Now I can ride a motorbike, hows that going to help? Eric Lampaert. GARY Delaney is the master of the one-liner; a one-man machine gun of gags, which he unleashes on his audiences without mercy. Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. No one else can deliver jokes at such volume and velocity nor with such scatter gun abandon. Dinner is on me! www . That is wrong on so many different levels.Tim Vine, I picked up a hitch hiker. Gary Delaney is a stand-up comedian and writer . She didnt succeed but she did leave a large visible crack. Al Porter (2016), I like Jesus but he loves me, so its awkward.Tom Stade (2008), My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Be the first to contribute! She said, Two or three. Mandi is an experienced writer on various topics with a passion for telling stories with words. I said, Yes, of course. A man ran up to me shouting, Big hole in the ground full of water, big hole in the ground full of water, but at least he means well. November 2019 (5) October 2019 (6) September 2019 (5) August 2019 (5) July 2019 (6) June 2019 (4) May . I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother. Adam Hess (2016), My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. Darren Walsh (2015), My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, Hurry up! because I didnt want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, The 17 year old defendant, who hasnt been named. Jenny Collier (2016), Ive always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter. I laughed my backside off and when I knew he was going to be in Winchester, I just had to be there. I can change.. Reason being, things work. Henning When, Im learning the hokey cokey. Its like a normal hotel, only in reception theres a picture of a pebble. Rhod Gilbert, Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesnt last long if youre fat. Joe Lycett, My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Im a big fan of whiteboards. I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day. Because they use honey combs! Went to the doctors and said: Have you got anything for wind? He gave me a kite. ' Peter Kay, I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed. Josie Long, The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, I was in my car driving back from work. Im reading a horror story in Braille. The President of France said this week that English speakers were arrogant in their refusal to learn other languages, at least I think thats what he said. Read more: Foals and Supergrass hit home turf for only Oxfordshire festival appearances, Experiment in good rooms, edit in hard rooms. Website: Biographyscoop.com What do you call a cow with no legs? Riveting! Stewart Francis, 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny), People who like trance music are very persistent. What do you expect? 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? Gary in Punderland Tour 50 percent of people who go to watch The Cure actually end up watching Placebo, and enjoy it just as much. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Two of his gags were included in the top ten of the third annual Dave Award for the Funniest Joke of the Fringe, making him the only comedian to have this happen to him. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer came second.Will Duggan, Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.Tiff Stevenson, I often confuse Americans and Canadians. I tell you what makes my blood boil, faulty spacesuits. Dont get drunk or stoned. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. I hope he likes them. Hes all right now. 105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe. Now, for the first time, comes this collection of his finest 3,000 jokes. 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Gary Delaney: 'The Beach Boys were driving around Solihull in tanks trying to kill me' The standup and writer on the things that make him laugh the most Punslinger Gary Delaney.. Theres no way he could write a book Frankie Boyle, Ive given up asking rhetorical questions. It was Wedgie Kray. I got seven Cs. 50 of the funniest (and most puerile) quotes from The Inbetweeners Shouldve been called Look Whos Hawking, thats my only criticism James Acaster, Ive written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldnt fit it into my set.Masai Graham, I wanted to do a show about feminism. This website and associated newspapers adhere to the Independent Press Standards Organisation's Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did. Shepherds delight. See more ideas about inspirational quotes, me quotes, quotes..