You have to show him that this little thing is bothering you. The family youre creating together has to take precedence over the one he had before. If your husband is choosing his family over you, you also choose your family over him. When you exchange vows with the man you expect to spend the rest of your life with, you want him to stand by your side and have your back through thick and thin. He asks you to lie about wanting kids or about being Catholic, so that she'll approve of you. If you see that most of your husbands income is given away to his parents for the upkeep of their home and you are left struggling with the finances at the end of the month, then it becomes really frustrating. 5 ways in which marriage turned out the opposite of what I imagined, 7 Tips For Men Who Are Stuck Between Wife And Mother In A Joint Family, 12 Ways to Deal With a Jealous Mother-In-Law. They just secretly hope that hell get out of his mothers shadow and take control of his own life. Try to take positive steps through communication and creating boundaries and not keep resenting the fact that he is choosing his family over you. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. Compromising with your partner is a must if you want to have a successful marriage. Pour your energy into hobbies and personal pursuits. Its fine to be a son, but dont forget you are a husband too! How could you act like everything is normal? 1. You should never criticize your husband for something hes done. The attitude starts to shuffle, the ideas are different, the future plans are different, and their responsibilities shift. Unfortunately, that's not the way my family sees it. Its pretty adjustable once or twice a week, but when it becomes a frequent affair, it can be a burden on you. But every time, you tried to normalize their toxic behaviors in the name of respect for elders. You will not get to crib then that your husband chooses his family over you and he will be satisfied by doing his bit for his side of the family. Men have the tendency to live with their parents longer, 2. Living with his mother (at the time of her death) was his 26- year-old younger sister and 25-year-old The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. We all know one and your man might be one, but you failed to see it before getting hitched. If you cant stand for her, let her at least stand for herself. Whenever I was insulted, I stayed silent to maintain the sanity of the house, hoping you will try to make your parents understand their faults. This brings us to the perennial dilemma of what to do when your husband is too attached to his family. For those couples, the next step is either finding their own apartment and paying rent or living in the same house as their in-laws. So if he has money to buy one Kanjeevaram saree, he will buy it for his mother. Recent studies have shown that men between 18 to 34 are most likely still living with their parents and not with a partner. Should he balk at that idea, or insist that you back down and accept abuse and ill treatment for the sake of maintaining familial harmony, then youll have some tough decisions ahead of you. In most Indian families, especially in joint ones, sons are expected to be there and fulfil every need of their parents, even if it means prioritising them more than their wife. If he is not there, you could say, "I need to talk to my husband about that. Talk to husband about his mother. My Family Picked My Ex Over Me. If you talk honestly and openly with your partner and with understanding, hell acknowledge your feelings and reciprocate. Im not just talking about emotional maturity, but physical and mental as well. Ask him to ensure that his parents dont overspend a lot, the same way you maintain a strict budget. If you feel strongly that your husband's family scorns you and keep thinking "My husband's family scorns me", it's important to have a conversion to not let it continue to happen and to form a united front when you're discussing the issue with your husband's family. To this day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, My husband always supports his mother. No matter how much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be the dutiful son. They are not pleased, especially, if they think that her daughter-in-law is not suitable for her son which is almost always the case. 2. Why is it that only the mothers in law are the ones who are the most difficult to please? First, take a step back and breathe. Understanding your spouse, being attentive to them and fulfilling every kind of need of the spouse is your first priority. Why? Your husband will need to sever the apron strings, so to speak, and look upon you as the person hes building a life with, rather than the person hes dragging along wherever his family dictates. I'll let you know what we decide." or "I'll check with my husband." "You can talk with (my husband) about it if you aren't comfortable with his decision." "My husband asked me to do X. I'm going to honor him and do what he asked me to." And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. But if you try to turn his family against him, things will only get worse. And lets just be clear: joining him for family gatherings and respecting his right to spend time with his family outside of your relationship is an important part of that relationship. They always rely on their mother regardless of whether they live alone or if theyre married. You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. Mothers-in-law usually feel threatened by the presence of another woman in their sons life. Prioritize yourself. Especially when children come along. It's always a good thing to see your husband spending time with his family and . Youll either need to establish dominance in this hierarchy, making it absolutely clear that this awful behavior wont be tolerated, or leave. In such cases, the men are stuck in between the mother and the wife. Hes the one who has the power to start working on himself. Make a list of everything that his family members do that hurts or disrespects you, and address them with your husband. Loving your mother and loving your wife are two completely. Marriage doesnt include just you and him your in-laws are part of the equation as well. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. But take a deep breath because fighting with your spouse wont solve your problems. Your husband might not even know that you feel that he is choosing his family over you. Let your family and friends know that when it comes to your wife and marriage, there is a line they cannot be crossed. Lets get this straight. Will he just ignore it? Find out about the latest Lifestyle, Fashion & Beauty trends, Relationship tips & the buzz on Health & Food. Dont normalize the toxic behavior just because they are your parents or siblings. I receive a commission if you choose to purchase anything after clicking on them. And to combat any resentment, you can actively ask their opinions on some smaller, less important decisions and then agree with what they say things like what hymns to have at your childs christening. Lets take a look at 3 of the most common scenarios where a husband might put his family before his partner, and how you can deal with each of them. Some people who have been immersed in this kind of family dynamic all their lives might not have any other perspective other than their firsthand experience. You have to know that youre not alone in this situation. This page contains affiliate links. Make him sit down and explain to him that while its wonderful that he feels that his cousin needs him in the hospital and he visits her every day or that hes there for his sister but he could also feel for his son and help him out with Maths. And Im not one to judge this is a great thing. Understand husband chooses his family because he doesnt know how not to. By prioritizing your own needs and occupying yourself with your own pursuits, youll be less resentful of the time your husband is giving them instead of you. ETimes is an Entertainment, TV & Lifestyle industry's promotional website and carries advertorials and native advertising. Thats how he ends up spending more time with his family than with you. Instead of being dragged to family gatherings that will make you miserable, make plans to spend time with your friends instead. This is a really tricky situation and more common than you think. Create your own boundaries, your husband will start realizing what is possible and what is not possible. They care about you. #relationships #relationshiptips #marriage What to Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family over You? So, take a step back and breathe. Youll only get complicate things if you pull others into the situation. Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. Related Reading: How Destructive Are Indian In-Laws? The truth is, its very hard to break this pattern. Dear Dr. Buckingham, I've been married for eleven years and have one 8-year-old child. Instead, show compassion and understanding. Sometimes, you have to take a step back and reevaluate the situation. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. They may resent you somewhat for it, but unless they are particularly toxic individuals, they should back down sooner or later. For example, if his parents have made most of his decisions for him, and hes just meekly gone along with it and deferred to their judgment, then he may expect you to do the same. Because change starts within. Youre contemplating the reasons for his actions and even if the two of you have a future together anymore. How To Make Him Fear Losing You: 17 Effective Ways, 11 Daily Struggles Youll Face While Dating A Mamas Boy. Problems arise when you leave the house early, barely speaking to or connecting with your wife before you dash out the door. So its time to act as such. Get expert help figuring out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. He may get really defensive, and tell you that youre being over sensitive or that things arent that big a deal. Men are natural avoiders. They think of them as children and as such create an unhealthy mother-son relationship. You may want to consider a separation until he gets the help he needs. If you stayed at work until everything was finished, if you took advantage of every opportunity that came your way, if you sought out every angle to maximize your abilities, improve your job skills, and advance your career, you would never go home. What is the reason for it? Signs That Your Husband Is a Mama's Boy When your mother-in-law insists on remaining the top person in her son's life, it can feel like there's no way to become his number one. This is the first and most important step that you need to take if your husband always chooses his family over you. By continuing to use this website you are giving consent to cookies being used. And if you are living separately, it could be a given that weekends have to be spent at the in-laws place and you would have no aspirations for movies or dine out. Its just that the bond that he has with his family is strong and you have to show him that he has a family on his own now. Why is it that only the mothers in law are the ones who are the most difficult to please? This way he should be able to understand his faults and then, in turn, you both can set some healthy boundaries in the marriage. You may think that its your fault that your husband chooses his family over you, but its not. This website uses cookies. I refuse to let people stomp on my dignity and self-respect, while you stand silently. Allow All Cookies. Dont let your emotions govern your actions and dont let them turn into resentment. If he continues to only support his mother, tell him that its going to be a huge problem in the upcoming future. 3) Find Your Independence. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. He is putting his children first because he has a paternal bond with them that he will never develop with you. The problem isn't your job. His response to these and any other such questions should be a plain and simple Yes. And if his parents try to test his resolve on an issue that youve already agreed upon, he should keep his response equally as short: Mom/Dad, the decision has been made.. Every holiday, every family gathering, will likely be excruciating. If I come last for you, then you dont deserve the right to come first for me.. I am going to stand for myself, even if you cant. He can't go 24 hours without talking to her. Life & Culture, About Us. But God forbid you say anything about her. As such, they may not be aware of how unhealthy it is, or how badly their family members behavior is affecting you. Men, generally, promise to be there for their wives, to never leave them alone, to be their protector, and what not. While youre dealing with this issue, make your self-care an absolute priority. As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. Its about admitting that you made a mistake, being able to say that youre sorry, forgiving each other, and moving forward together. Psychologists have explained that when a baby is born, they look dotingly and in a loving manner at their parents, especially mothers. If he chooses his mom over you thats his prerogative. Relationships . You can sort out your feelings by talking. In this situation, you have to compromise. You have the right to make your own decisions. Thats why your husband chooses his family over you because his connection with his family never evolved to the next level. If my dignity is being squashed by your own parents, you will choose to stay silent. When my uncles Anil and Anant married, they took advantage of a heinous custom in Marathi weddings. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? You shouldnt hold any grudges or ghost him he doesnt deserve that. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. They are not much helpful during such nasty in-law conflicts. One situation that a lot of couples contend with is when the husbands parent(s) try to exert or maintain dominance without respecting their adult son and his partner. He has to want it. 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Signs of a Condescending Person and How to Deal With Them, What Happens When You Meet Your Soulmate: 15 Amazing Facts, 10 Ways Meditation for Relationships Can Help Couples, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. 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